


everybody's trying to be my baby

by janie_tangerine



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack Treated Seriously, Crushes, Happy Starks, I Blame Tumblr, Idiots in Love, M/M, Multi, Pokemon - Freeform, Robb Stark is a Gift, Siblings, Teen Crush, The Author Regrets Nothing, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-27 03:56:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7602439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janie_tangerine/pseuds/janie_tangerine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in which <i>all</i> the Stark kids end up crushing on Theon at one point of the other. Robb, who has been doing that for longer than anyone else and is far beyond crushing, is not amused.</p>
            </blockquote>





	everybody's trying to be my baby

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cheerynoir](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheerynoir/gifts).



> So, for the chapter where I'm taking prompts on tumblr and trying to repost them here as I go before I get swamped, this one called for _every single one of the Stark Kids has had a crush on Theon at some point or another; reactions and levels of subtly are up to you, my kingdom for a throbb ending._ It was too good to pass honestly. I DON'T EVEN KNOW JUST GO WITH IT.
> 
> Disclaimers: they don't belong to me (I wish), the title is from a Carl Perkins song which should give the depths of how desperate I was when looking for one since I went straight for pre-70s, and many thanks to a few friends who saved my ass when I asked them a crash course in Pokemon Go because I'm like Robb in this situation and I know absolutely nothing about pokemon but it had just come out when I wrote it and it just really lent itself to what I needed, okay? Thanks guys you were a lifesaver.

5\. _arya (age nine)_

 

So, Robb hadn’t thought much of it when he asked Arya if she wanted to come to Theon’s archery tournament. He knew Asha couldn’t make it because she works after school, Theon's asshole of a father isn’t going to show up, never mind his other relatives, and his mother - well, there’s a reason why Robb is on orders to film it and send it to her via Skype. She’s in Scotland with her brother and it’s probably better than she stays there until she definitely divorces Balon anyway. Theon had pretended he didn’t care if only Robb showed up, but Robb thought it was just sad and so he figured he’d ask Arya - she’d like going to see an archery tournament even if she’s not exactly friendly with Theon or anything of the kind.

Arya, unsurprisingly, says yes. They get there early, find a spot in first row next to where he knows Theon should be - he has to film it, after all.

“How many are there?” Arya asks, excitedly. It’s like, regional competitions or something so it’s fairly important.

“Some fifty I think.”

“And he’s _that_  good?”

“He’s _that_  good,” Robb confirms, and if he sounds proud, well, _he_  did pretty much physically drag Theon to sign up for the school team and he hasn’t regretted it for a moment, he can be proud, all right?

Theon comes out not long later, and Robb tries to _not_  think about how nice he looks in the school team’s uniform - blue is a good color on him, all right? - and he looks _really_  pleased to see that the both of them are there.

Arya waves back without much enthusiasm.

Then it begins and the situation completely changes.

“Oh,” she says when Theon goes through the first round, “he’s - _how_  did he nail it ten times in a row?”

“Told you he was good,” Robb shrugs.

His sister spends the next hour or so staring at Theon _and_  the targets and then back at Theon - he’s sure she’s paid more attention to him now than in the entire time Theon’s hanged around the house.

Eventually, Theon ends up third, which given that it was fifty contestants from all over the area is plenty damn good.

Arya looks completely starstruck.

“That was so _cool_ ,” she says, sending a fairly dreamy look Theon’s way as he accepts his prize not long later. “Do you think he might want to teach me?”

Robb maybe should get somehow worried about how - _starstruck_ she sounds, but he figures there’s nothing wrong in it. “Ask him,” he replies, “I’m sure he’d be glad to.”

Arya asks Theon as they give him a ride back to their place - he’s going to spend the night anyway - and Theon sends her a surprised look but then shrugs and says that sure, if she drops by at their school’s gym he could try and make it work.

Robb doesn’t remember the last time his sister looked that giddy.

Two weeks later, Theon approaches him looking completely embarrassed. “Listen,” he says, “I’m only too happy that your sister doesn’t hate me or anything, but - is she _all right_?”

“As in?”

“I mean, she’s good at archery and everything and I knew she’s into sports, but - I don’t know, I feel like some kinda teen idol and I can only think about your father wanting to murder me whenever she looks my way, all right?”

Robb can’t help it - he laughs even if Theon looks mortified. “Don’t you worry,” he says, “I’ll plead your case if it comes to that. But whatever it is, she’ll get over it. She’s _nine_. Just humor her.”

Theon doesn’t seem too convinced, but when some six months later his sister starts blushing whenever someone mentions this nephew of Robert Baratheon’s named Gendry that she met at one of the parties they were all dragged to because Robert is their father’s best friend and it would be _rude_  if they didn’t show up, he seems relieved that at least she just seems to want archery lessons.

Robb can’t help thinking that it still was damn hilarious.

 

4\. _jon (age fifteen)_

 

When Jon stops bickering with Theon, sort of, Robb starts getting very suspicious instead. He has stopped trying to make them get along for real years ago and he’s embraced the fact that they can’t coexist without making digs at each other all the time, but he had figured that after ten years they just - well, got adjusted to it.

Instead some three months after his fifteenth birthday Jon doesn’t argue with Theon half as much as before, _goes red in the face_  whenever Theon makes some sex-related joke (as in, most of the time) and when Theon asks him what the fuck is wrong he just snaps back worse than before.

After a month of that, Robb decides that enough is enough.

“Jon, the hell is going on? I mean, I know you two never got along that much, but -”

“He’s an asshole,” Jon interrupts.

“Okay? You’ve been saying that for ages?”

“Yeah, but - oh fuck. It’s just - you’ve _seen_  him, yes?”

“Jon, I see him every other day. What’s your problem?”

“Yeah, well, I mean - you saw how he was after he came back from that sea trip with his mother or whatever it was?”

Robb thinks about it. Okay, fine, when he came back he was taller, his hair was slightly longer, he tanned for about the first time in his life and looked fairly better than his usual, but that’s what you get if you keep the man away from the horrid side of his family for a full month.

“I did? He looked good? What’s your problem?”

“The problem is that _I’m supposed to be bloody straight_ , that’s what it is!”

“Wait -”

“And instead he shows up and looks _that_  hot and it’s fucking me up because I’m not supposed to be attracted to _him_ , damn it!”

“Jon, are you saying -”

“I’m saying that your best friend is _hot_  when he doesn’t look like he has a grudge with the world and doesn’t fake-smile or share horrid jokes with anyone and I’m entirely fine with being bi, I guess, but  _that wasn’t how I fucking wanted to find out_ , okay?”

Robb can’t help it. He breaks down in gigglefits and the more hurt Jon looks at his reaction the harder he laughs.

“That’s not - you’re supposed to be on my side!”

“Sorry, but this is hilarious. You sure you don’t want to tell him? I think he’d be amenable to experiment, if you ask nicely.”

“Fuck you,” Jon groans.

Robb, who is _not_  that kind of asshole, never tells Theon, but when a few months later Jon shows up at lunch saying that _maybe_  he and Sam _might_  be dating, he’s the only one who’s absolutely not surprised hearing the news.

He also doesn’t tell Jon that he had the _exact_  same kind of sexuality awakening when _he_  was thirteen and realized that he liked girls  _and_  he liked Theon and never had the guts to act on it.

 

3\. _sansa (age fourteen)_

 

The first two instances had been fairly hilarious, Robb will reason a while later. But when the third time comes around, he starts wondering if he shouldn’t be worried about this trend where his siblings seem to start crushing hard when it concerns _his_  best friend.

Then again, Sansa also had a justification.

Everyone had understood at once that Sansa going out with Joffrey Baratheon was bad news, but it was her _first_  huge crush, and the little asshole seemed slightly better than he used to be back in the day when Robb was forced to hang out with him because their parents thought they’d be the new Ned Stark and Robert Baratheon. (Hell _no_ , Robb thinks in retrospective. Good thing they gave up on it when they realized that he had found a best friend on his own and it wasn’t Joffrey.)

It lasted a couple months, including dating the way fourteen year-olds do, up until Joffrey asked her to go to the junior prom that their school was holding - seriously, prom is ridiculous in the first place, why allow fourteen year-olds to go? - and Sansa had been overjoyed. She had picked the dress and the shoes and everything.

Then Joffrey had proceeded to dump her four days before saying that he was going with Margaery Tyrell and anyway it was just _for fun_ , he never meant it.

Sansa had come home sobbing with tears all over her shirt - it had been just Robb, Jon and Theon in the house, studying for a test. Robb had made her hot chocolate even if it wasn’t the right season for it, Theon had sat down at the kitchen table looking halfway murderous and halfway pensive and at some point Jon had told her that if she still wanted to go to the prom either he or Robb could go.

“No,” she had sobbed. “I mean, thanks, but they’ll know you’re doing it to make me save face. You’re my _brothers_ , no one shows up with their brother. And everyone knows you’re dating Sam anyway.”

And then Theon had stopped looking pensive and had shrugged. “Okay, I can go with you,” he had said.

“ _What_?” Jon hadn’t expected that at all. Sansa hadn’t either.

“Why not? I mean, I’m not your _brother_ , I surely can dance better than Joffrey fucking Baratheon and I had no plans that night.”

Sansa is still in tears as she accepts. Robb does _not_  sigh while thinking that he wishes _he_  had the guts to ask Theon to go to the damned prom with him, never mind that he’s a year younger so Theon will be done with school by the time Robb’s last year rolls around and at _their_  school they only allow people in the last year.

He’s not there for it, but when his sister comes back she’s _ecstatic_. Never mind that Theon actually came to get her with a proper car and all while wearing a _nice_  suit, and that Robb had witnessed, but as Sansa launches in a rant about how _nice_  and handsome he had been and how good of a dancer he was and about how all her friends were fuming that she had gone with a guy who wasn’t just hot but also three years older than them and therefore A Lot Cooler… well, on one side he’s happy that she’s happy and he’s going to thank Theon profusely later, on the other he can’t help feeling bitter at the prospect that _he’_ s never going to experience that. Especially since he’s fairly sure that Theon’s not into guys outside _experimenting_.

Sansa also spends the next three months singing Theon’s praises to about everyone, their parents included, and - well. Theon seems fairly flattered at it and Robb knows they’re deserved even if a lot of people around them don’t, and so he takes it in stride. It’s cute, after all.

 

2. _bran (age ten)_

 

The next time, though, it’s not _cute_ anymore.

The next time Robb is starting to wonder if the universe is aiming to tell him something.

So, fact is: Bran has never really been Theon’s biggest fan or anything. They don’t _hate_  each other, but Bran always kinda saw Theon as a competitor for his attention, Robb figures, and while he’s always tried to split his time evenly between everyone he wants to spend his time with, given that his brother was _eight_  when Robb got that vibe, well, what can you do? That’s how kids are, anyway. Okay, he never was jealous of Jon’s friends, hell, he wanted Jon to make friends who weren’t _him_ , but at some point he understood that  _he_  was the weird one. For general standards, anyway.

What happens is that after Bran falls from the darned tree he was climbing in the backyard and breaks both of his legs, and that was a lucky outcome. His doctors are fairly clear on the fact that he won't be walking for a long while and he’ll need crutches when it happens. Bran takes it fairly badly, but not as badly as one could have thought. He goes to physiotherapy without complaining, they all adjust their schedule around it and no one complains, except that in between everything that went down, everyone had completely forgotten about this science fair Bran had been _dying_  to go at for years. And his parents did promise him that they’d go this year.

Except that when Bran brings the topic up one week before at dinner, it turns out that their father is out of the country for work and can’t possibly postpone it, their mother has to go with Rickon for a vaccination that had been booked months earlier and can’t be postponed either unless they want to go six months later, Arya is out of town for a school trip and she couldn’t go alone with Bran anyway, Sansa is at Jeyne Poole’s birthday sleepover and she had been looking forward to it for ages andJon has his A-levels the next day.

When _everyone_  turns to look at him, Robb takes a deep breath and figures he’ll take one for the team. 

“Well,” he says, “I guess I can just see if anyone I know wants my Queen ticket.”

“Ah,” Bran says, remembering at once, “it was that day, wasn’t it?”

“It’s fine,” Robb says, “they’ll do another tour at some point.”

He tries to _not_  sound too disappointed, but he knows it’s a moot point anyway, _everyone_  around the house remembers that he queued for it eight months ago on the day tickets were released.

And then Theon, who had stayed over for dinner, dramatically rolls his eyes and puts down his fork. “Robb, please, go to the damned concert before I have to see you sulk about it for the next two months. I had nothing to do that day, I can bring him.”

Bran looks _surprised_  and Robb’s parents do ask if he’s sure, but Theon just nods and says that he could spend a worse Thursday evening.

Bran instead looks somewhat ashamed as they finalize it, but Robb figures they’ll sort it out between themselves.

He goes to his concert, Theon goes with Bran to the science fair assuring them that he _has_  space for the wheelchair in his car, he doesn’t see either of them until the next morning.

Bran is still having breakfast while Robb drags himself out of his room and joins him - every single one of his muscles is hurting like a motherfucker but it was worth it.

“So,” he asks, grabbing some cereal, “how did the fair go?”

“Oh, great!” Bran perks up and starts telling him about the loads of cool stuff they saw, which completely flies over Robb’s head given that it’s early morning, he hasn’t had any coffee and science never was his thing. But he listens eagerly, until -

“Also, uh, I didn’t know Theon was into maths?”

Robb shrugs. “Always has been. Certainly more than me. Why?”

“Well, it was nice - I mean, he actually got half of the stuff exposed around. And - I, uh, I never liked him that much before but I think I was wrong?”

On one side, Robb is rejoicing inside - good, finally his family is  _wholly_  getting why he’s friends with Theon -, but on the other is Bran _blushing_?

“He’s nice when you get to know him,” Robb says.

“He is,” Bran agrees. “I feel bad about it though?”

“Bran, he wouldn’t hate you for it. I mean, if you want to tell him go for it but I don’t really think he minds.”

“Really?” And now Bran is perking up again and looking all excited at the prospect.

Fuck it. His _ten years old_  brother is having _another_  crush on his best friend same as _his other siblings_ , regardless of how platonic it is, and -

Robb just smiles and hands Bran some more cereal. “Really,” he confirms. That’d be mean to do anything else, really, and he’s just glad that Bran came around for good.

 

1\. _rickon (age six)_

 

“Robb?”

Robb looks down into the very serious face of his six-year old brother as they walk over to school - he always walks him since it’s on his way to uni.

“Yes?”

“Are you marrying Theon at some point?”

“ _What_? Rickon, we aren’t - I mean, we’re not -”

“You pined after him since forever,” Rickon declares. “ _He_  also does.”

“ _What_? Rickon, come on, he’s into girls -”

“Not true, he looks at you like Dad looks at Mom.”

“ _Sorry_?”

“I was just sayin’,” Rickon keeps on, with all the calm in the world, “that you should ask him. Or if you don’t want to then _I_  will.”

“… _You_  will.”

“’Course.”

“ _You_  want to _marry_  Theon.”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“… Care to elaborate?”

Rickon shrugs. “Girls are icky.” And okay, _everyone_ at that age thinks girls are icky, Robb figures. “He doesn’t think Shaggy’s scary, he’s  _cool_  and he let me catch a Lapras yesterday!”

Ah, _right_. Because Rickon has had the dubious luck of being born in the only family in the country where _he’_ s the only person into fucking Pokemon, except that _Theon_  also is, and since they released that blasted Pokemon Go game they actually started going out together to catch the bloody things.

“So you want to marry him because he lets you catch… rare Pokemons?”

“Do you need a better reason to?”

 _Fuck’s sake,_ Robb thinks, _what is my life even_.

The fact that Rickon has figured it out when he’s been crushing on Theon for _seven bloody years_ , almost, isn’t doing anything to make him feel anywhere near dignified.

 

\+ 1 _robb_  ( _age eighteen_ )

 

Thing is, he’s still sure that Rickon is seeing things as far as _Theon_  is concerned, but damn it, the fact that _all_  his siblings somehow crushed on the man when _Robb_  has been doing way more than crushing for years is driving him insane. And like hell he’s going to let Rickon actually _tell_  Theon what he told Robb, especially if it ends with Theon actually humoring his brother.

There’s a limit to everything. Robb draws it at losing to bloody Pokemon, not that he thinks he would, but given how obsessed both Theon and his brother are, who even knows these days.

So he decides to talk to Theon about it, and if it’s a no - well, he tried, right?

“Hey,” he tells him after he comes back with Rickon from their daily Pokemon-catching walk. “Can I talk to you a moment?”

“Sure,” Theon replies.

“Alone,” Robb keeps on. Rickon lets out a burst of laughter before running off upstairs. Theon glances at the both of them and then turns his stare back on Robb.

“Okay, I’m all ears. What’s the deal?”

Yeah, and now that Theon’s _staring_  at him Robb is kind of out of his depth. “Uh,” he starts, “it’s just -”

“Does this have anything to do with what your brother asked me today?”

“ _What_  did he ask you?”

“Well,” Theon says slowly, “he seemed convinced that _I_  was into you and that the contrary was valid, and wanted to know if I was ever going to put a move on you because he’s seen us dancing around it since forever and he’s very bored with it, but if it didn’t work out, he’s more than happy to propose in your place. Since, his words, given that I’m not an icky girl, that I can cook, that I’m a pro at catching Pokemon and that I don’t _steal_  extra rare ones from him, I’d be a way better choice than anyone he knows.”

Robb wants to fucking disappear into the ground right now.

He swallows. “And what if I say that you wouldn’t need to let me catch any bloody Pokemon whatsoever because I don’t really care and that it might be that _I_  am into you and that I’ve spent years being jealous that _Sansa_  went to prom with you?”

Theon _stares_  at him, and then he breaks out into one of those absolutely genuine and sincere grins that became progressively rarer up until he left home and that Robb used to feel proud about, because back in the day they mostly showed up when Theon was around _him_.

“If you say _that_ , I’m answering that we were both goddamned idiots because we could have been doing this ages ago, that _I_  was even more of one because I was sure that you weren’t into guys and that you were the only person in your family who somehow hadn’t thought I was a good marriage prospect -”

“Hey, wait a moment -”

“Come on, they were obvious. And it was flattering, but I kind of was hoping it’d be you one day.”

Robb can’t help it - he reaches out and takes Theon’s face in between his hands.

“How long?”

“… Enough,” Theon sighs. “At least since we were in middle school. Why?”

“It was the same for me,” Robb replies softly. “Well then, if we’re on the same page -”

Theon doesn’t let him finish and kisses him right in the middle of the Starks’ living room and Robb doesn’t even think about it twice before wrapping his arms around Theon’s shoulders and kissing back the way he’s been wanting to for a very long time.

“We _are_ ,” Theon says, smirking, when they move away for air.

“Good. Because since my siblings all came first I want to catch up with lost time.”

“Fuck, _great_ , I’ve been waiting to hear that for years,” Theon replies, and then kisses him again without waiting for a reply.

That’s entirely fine. Robb couldn’t be happier indeed. In fact, he’s looking forward to catching up like he hasn’t looked forward to anything else, and if it means he gets teased mercilessly for the time it took him to fess up, he’s going to take it.

It was entirely worth it, after all.

 

End.


End file.
